Bigger in Texas, and other funnies

 

Bigger in Texas | Old Ass | Wedding Dress | God Loves Blondes
Hasty Marriage | Grow 'em Big in Texas

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Bigger in Texas

A young man who left his home in Texas at an early age, finally purchased his own ranch in Oklahoma. He invited his father out for a visit, and took him on a tour of the property. Driving along in the son's pickup truck, a jack rabbit hopped onto the road in front of them.

The son stopped the truck to let the rabbit pass, and the father queried: "What in tarnation is that!?"

 

The son incredulously replied, "That's a jackrabbit, Dad, what did you think it was?" The father shrugged and said, "We grow 'em a lot bigger'n back home in Texas." So they went on and a little farther on they came to a few buffalo roaming the range. The son stopped the truck and the father again said in a puzzled tone "What are those?"

The son hesitantly said "Those are buffalo, Dad; you gotta be kiddin me, you really don't recognize them?" The father replied "Well, I guess they're kinda familiar -- it's just that we grow 'em so much bigger back in Texas."

The son, a bit disgruntled, drove on in silence. At length they approached a low part in the road with marshy wetlands on either side. A large snapping turtle lumbered onto the road. The father peered intently at the creature and said "Now what the heck is that thing!?"

Without missing a beat, the son replied, "wood tick"...

Received from Linda A Russell.

http://www.gcfl.net

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Old Ass

A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year old."
The husband said, "What did he say about your 55 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.

Added January 9, 2003:

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Wedding Dress

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question. "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

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God Loves Blondes

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays..."God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself..."Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket

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The Hasty Marriage

A man meets a beautiful blonde and decides he wants to marry her right away. She tells him they don't know anything about each other. He tells her that it's fine ... they can learn about each other as they go along.

She consents, they marry ... then leave for their honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning as they are lying by the pool, he gets up from his towel. He climbs the 10 meter board and fluidly performs a two and a half tuck gainer followed by three rotations in a jackknife position, then straightens out and cuts the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he comes back and eases back on his towel.

Very excited, she says, "That was incredible!"

"I used to be an Olympic diving champion," he says. "You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

The blonde gets up, jumps in the pool, and starts doing laps. After about fifty laps, she climbs back out and lays down on her towel...hardly out of breath.

Very excited, he says, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No," she answers. "I was a hooker in Laredo, Texas, and I worked both sides of the river."

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Grow 'em Big in Texas

A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit.
He went into Marshall Fields, and when asked by a sweet young woman if he could help him, he answered, "Yes ma'am. Ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete city outfit."
Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"
"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes sir. What size?"
"Size 53 tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How about some shoes?"
"What size?"
"Size 15 double E."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes sir. What size?"
"Nineteen and a half neck, sleeves 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
"Will there be anything else?" she asked.
"Yes ma'am. I spect I'll need a hat."
"Yes sir. What size?"
"Eight and five-eighths."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."
She virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"
"No ma'am , I reckon that will be all."
As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill, and as the Texan counted out his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"
"Yes ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches."
Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"
Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "From the floor, ma'am."

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Added July 15, 2000

More Additions on January 9, 2003

 

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