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Light bulb | What is a Cat/Dog? | Dog Haiku | Cats vs Dogs - How to Give A Pill

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

1. Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie:
Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

3. Dachshund:
You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler:
Make me!

5. Boxer:
Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab:
Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherd:
I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

8. Jack Russell Terrier:
I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog:
Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb.

10. Cocker Spaniel:
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

 

11. Poodle:
I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

12. Pointer:
I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ...

13. Greyhound:
It isn't moving. Who cares?

14. Australian Shepherd:
First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle ...

15. Chihuahua :
Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

The Cat's Answer:
"Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner and a massage?"


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What is a Cat or Dog?

What is a Cat?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny women; In little, tiny fur coats.

What is a Dog?
1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny men; In little, tiny fur coats

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Dog Haiku

I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You will ever be.

Today I sniffed
Many dog behinds -- I celebrate
By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm!
Paper boy -- come to kill us all
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Garbage man -- come to kill us all
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

How do I love thee?
The ways are as numberless as
My hairs on the rug.

My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle.

I Hate my choke chain
Look, world, they strangle me! Ack!
Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack!

Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot -- no greater bliss -- well,
Maybe catching rats

Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much as I do.

The cat is not all
Bad -- she fills the litter box
With tootsie rolls.

Dig under the fence--why?
Because it is there. Because it's
There. Because it's there.

I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.

http://www.gcfl.net added 7/15/2000

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CATS vs DOGS

For anyone who has ever had to pill a cat, and, if you haven't, you don't want to.

How To Give A Cat A Pill:

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1) Wrap it in bacon.

 

Added March 15, 2000, Additions on March 6, 2004

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