Do-it-yourself Country & Western Song Kit


Do-it-yourself Country & Western Song Kit

I met her __________  _____;  I can still recall _________

              (1)       (2)                          (3)


1.                      2.                      3.

on the highway          in September            that purple dress

in Sheboygan            at McDonald's           that little hat

outside Fresno          ridin' shotgun          that burlap bra

at a truck stop         wrestlin' gators        those training pants

on probation            all hunched over        the stolen goods

in a jail cell          poppin' uppers          that plastic nose

in a nightmare          sort of pregnant        the Stassin pin

incognito               with joggers            the neon sign

in the Stone Age        stoned on oatmeal       that creepy smile

in a treehouse          with Merv Griffin       the hearing aid

                        dead all over           the boxer shorts



she wore; She was ______  _____,

                    (4)    (5)


4.                                  5

sobbin' at the toll booth           in the twilight

drinkin' Dr. Pepper                 but I loved her

weighted down with Twinkies         by the off-ramp

breakin' out with acne              near Poughkeepsie

crawlin' through the prairie        with her cobra

smellin' kind of funny              when she shot me

crashin' through the guardrail      on her elbows

chewin' on a hangnail               with Led-Zeppelin

talkin' in Swahili                  with Miss Piggy

drownin' in the quicksand           with a wetback

slurpin' up linguini                in her muu-muu



and I knew _______; _______

             (6)      (7)


6.                                    7.

no guy would ever love her more       I promised her

                                      I knew deep down

she'd bought her dentures in a store  She asked me if

that she would be a crashing bore     I told her shrink

I'd never rate her more than "4"      The judge declared

they'd hate her guts in Baltimore     My Pooh Bear said

it was a raven, nothing more          I shrieked in pain

we really lost the last World War     The painters knew

I'd have to scrape her off the floor  A Klingon said

what strong deodorants were for       My hamster thought

that she was rotten to the core       The blood test showed

that I would upchuck on the floor     Her rabbi said



I'd ______ forever; She said to me ____;

     (8)                           (9)


8.               9.

stay with her    our love would never die

warp her mind    there was no other guy

swear off booze  man wasn't meant to fly

                 that Nixon didn't lie

punch her out    her basset hound was shy

live off her     that Rolaids made her high

have my rash     she'd have a swiss on rye

stay a dwarf     she loved my one blue eye

hate her dog     her brother's name was Hy

pick my nose     she liked "Spy vs. Spy"

play "Go Fish"   that birthdays made her cry

salivate         she couldn't stand my tie



But who'd have thought she'd _____ ___________;

                             (10)     (11)


10.        11.

run off    with my best friend

wind up    in my Edsel

boogie     on a surfboard

yodel      on "The Gong Show"

sky dive   with her dentist

turn green on her "Workmate"

freak out  with a robot

blast off  

make it    at her health club

black out  in her Maytag

bobsled    with her guru

grovel     while in labor



_________ goodbye.




You'd think at least that she'd have said

I never had the chance to say

She told her dumb friend Grace to say

I now can kiss my credit cards

I guess I was too smashed to say

I watched her melt away and sobbed

She fell beneath the wheels and cried

She sent a hired thug to say

She freaked out on the lawn and screamed

I pushed her off the bridge and waved

But that's the way that pygmies say

She sealed me in the vault and smirked.


Received from Bill's Punch Line.


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Added March 5, 2000


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