Airline Flight Funnies

 

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

2. Pilot-"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

6. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

 

12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I as you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

--------------------------------------------------------------

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet,
which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct
the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what
remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the
next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted
by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the
way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P: The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S: The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
-----------
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
---------------
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
------------------
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
-------------------
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200
feet per minute ascent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
-------------------
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
----------------------
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
-------------------
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
-----------------
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
-----------------
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
------------------
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
-----------------
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
------------------
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
-------------------
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
-----------------
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

 

Added March 12, 2000, Additional December 19,

---------------------------------------------

 

Back to Top

Back to Funny and Amusing Pages

Fair Use Notice

FAIR USE NOTICE: This page may contain copyrighted material the use of which has not been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. This website distributes this material without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes. We believe this constitutes a fair use of any such copyrighted material as provided for in 17 U.S.C § 107.

NOTE TO AUTHORS: If you are the author of this article and do not wish to have this posted on the angelstarcreations.com website, please write to me at my email address or mailing address on my contact page, and I will remove the article. Please mention the URL of the page which you want to bring to my attention. This is a personal Web site for educational purposes only. ~ Angel Star

Image: Angelstarcreations logo