I've been told that these have
been incorrectly attributed to George Carlin.
This is from the letter I received regarding this:
"Hi everybody. I just wanted to alert
to the fact that George Carlin himself has
disavowed himself from the quotes list that is going around
attributing certain quotes to him."
So, rather than remove them I will leave
them here along with the above disclaimer. Wherever these came from, they are cool.
Some Gems | Imponderables | Interesting Thoughts | How to Stay Young
Ever wonder about those people
who spend $3.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards. NAIVE.
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a
peeing section in a swimming pool? (this was before everything became non-smoking)
OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags"
and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does
that make the Tennessee Titans?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean
that one enjoys it?
There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store
or at Hooters.
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several
times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people
from Holland called Holes?
3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you
put your two cents in... What happens to the other penny?
8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just
stale bread to begin with?
10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but
a person who drives a racecar not called a racist?
12. Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?
13. Why do overlook and oversee
mean opposite things?
14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't
it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and
dry cleaners depressed?
17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed
18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of
20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're
cramming for their final exam.
21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny
little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers
22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just
put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can
look for them while they deliver the mail?
23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what
exactly are the others here for?
24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is
26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime
next door went nuts.
28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
(not from George Carlin, I guess, cool though)
I like sports because I enjoy knowing that
many of these macho atheletes have to vomit before a big game.
Any guy who takes a job where you gotta puke first is my kind
Sties are caused by watching your dog shit.
We're all f****d. It helps to remember that.
If you love someone, set them free; if they
come home, set them on fire.
Most people are not particularly good at anything.
Those who dance are considered insane by those
who can't hear the music.
I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things
that are merely unconcious.
The only good thing to come out of religion
was the music.
There ought to be at least one round state.
In comic strips the person on the left always
Why can't there be more suffering?
Where does the Dentist go when he leaves the
I almost don't feel the way I do.
There are nights when the wolves are silent
and only the moon howls.
Human beings are kind of interesting from birth
until they reach the age of a year and a half. Then they are
boring until they reach fifty. By that time they're either completely
defeated and f****d up, which makes them interesting again,
or they've learned how to beat the game, and that makes them
Ross Perot. Just what a nation of idiots needs:
a short, loud idiot.
The bigger they are, the worse they smell.
No one can ever know for sure what a deserted
area looks like.
Baseball is the only major sport that appears
backwards in a mirror.
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes
age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That
is why you pay them.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches
pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer,
crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An
idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until
you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move
on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether
it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve
it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you
can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the
mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where
the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love
them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths
but by the moments that take our breath away.
Check out George Carlin's Web site: http://www.georgecarlin.com/
It's a gas!
Added September 10, 2002, More added 15 May 2003
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