How to Write a Horoscope



The first rule to remember is that no one but no one likes to hear about impending financial disaster ("You'll be wiped out at the stock exchange"), trouble at work ("Librans will find themselves holding pink slips"), or family problems ("Your wife has gone way past her credit limit"). The populace at large laps up the good stuff: "The President needs your help to balance the deficit", "Sharon Stone is sending you a marriage proposal at 10:57 pm next Friday", "Your ma-in-law will lose her power of speech", etc., etc.

Next, you need to develop the art of making the banally general seem like brilliant insight; the ability to write assertions that sound terribly specific, but can apply to nearly everyone. If you can jot down "while you have some weaknesses, you are generally able to compensate for them", or "the situation will improve on the work front," you are on your way.

Now move on to platitudes like "there have been rough patches in the past, but things will get better", and character analyses like "you are introverted, but sometimes you can be quite extroverted".


A novice may initially be struck with divine prescience (a chat with the neighbourhood gossip), and will be tempted to put this piece of prognostication in his syndicated column; "The pinhead who lives in Apt 2-B, Dumbkopf Heights, is a closet liberal". This is disastrous and breaks the cardinal rule of astrology: BE VAGUE.

Once you are established as a seer (you'll know it when you see your vacuous mug staring out the newspaper), envious folks will try to throw a spanner in the House of Pluto. One of those "rational" blokes will corner you at a party and will pester you with silly questions like, "What you say holds true for 1/12th of mankind". Shut him up with statements like, "Oh please, have an open mind," and "if gravity from the planets and moon can affect such things as tides, surely it can affect our personalities -- after all, humans beings are 90% water".

A final word of advice: don't take your "science" too seriously. You may read a newspaper story that says "a black horse with large brown spots, or a brown horse with large black spots will win the Derby", and if you act on it, you could end up selling ball pens in suburban trains.


Added July 14, 1997


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