More Great and Funny Thoughts

 

Some Home Remedies...

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

 A freind sent these to me. I like the mousetrap remedy the best! (And who said you can't build a better mousetrap?) What's your favorite?

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Language Instructor

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. "House," in French, is feminine - "la maison." "Pencil," in French, is masculine "le crayon." One puzzled student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

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More Short Funnies

It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. - Oxford University Press, Edpress News

World's shortest blues song:
"I didn't wake up this morning..."

I opened a veterinary clinic next door to a dentist's office. Afterward I received a card from my neighbor signed, "From someone who treats canines to another."

It's no use having a good memory unless you have something good to remember.

My mind contains many good ideas, but it is not always easy to squeeze one out.

There is a guaranteed way to get what you want: want less.

"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places." - Henny Youngman

Did you hear about the self help group for compulsive talkers? It's called On & On Anon.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

First National Bank of Dad. Sorry, Closed.

Don't drink and drive. Instead, the next time you get too drunk to drive, walk into a local Domino's and order a pizza. Then when they go to deliver it, ask for a ride home.

Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece, I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US congress. - Ronald Reagan

Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.

It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

If you don't know where you are going, you can never get lost. - Herb Cohen

The American Way: Using instant coffee to dawdle away an hour.

When I finished school, I took one of those career aptitude tests, and based on my verbal ability score, they suggested I become a mime. - Tim Cavanagh

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him the checkbook.

A great way to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a mirror. Restaurants will almost always throw you out before you can eat too much.

 

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More Great and Funny Thoughts

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. (I must be a special kind of stupid because I forget to eat quite often!!)

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen witch... do it and die!"

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

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Overworked

For a couple of years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I've found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million.

104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
No wonder I'm so tired!!

Added February 12, 2000, More additons March 29, 2001, and yet more additions July 29, 2003

 

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