2002-2005 Short Stories

 

Yeah, I know. I posted this a while ago. These are still good! Enjoy! And don't blame me for being politically incorrect; these are from 2005 and before!
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C-Nile Virus | Food for Thought | No More Bad Mood
| Pregnant Lady on Bus | Happy St. Patrick's Day

C-Nile Virus

There's a new virus going around. It is called C-Nile. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of it so be warned. It appears to affect mostly those of us who were born before 1960.

Symptoms of C-Nile Virus:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail
3. Causes you to send it to the wrong person
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the

from http://www.gcfl.net or write to info@gcfl.net - added August 14, 2005

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Food For Thought

I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me -- and we all could use a little inner peace. By following the simple advice I read at the end of an article, I have finally found inner peace.
The advice was:
"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."
So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished... and before going out this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey's, Kailua and Wild Turkey, the Prozac, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freakin' good I feel!
I am so glad I read that article.

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You can't read this and stay in a bad mood.....

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer, and a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes ... Whack, "Crap"!

22. How are a Texas Tornado & A Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer!!

Now admit it....
At least one of these made you smile!! Right?

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Pregnant Lady on the Bus

A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing.

She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly contain myself. BUT your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident...I just lost it."

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Happy St. Patrick's Day!

There once was an proud Irishman named Pat, who went to heaven and saw St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked, "Who are you?" and Pat replied, "My name is Pat, I'm an Irishman, born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marching' in the St. Patrick's Day parade."

St. Peter said to Pat: "Yes, this is true! Here's a little green cloud for you to drive around heaven in and here is a harp that, when you push this button here, will play 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.' Enjoy it, Pat. Have a good time in heaven." Pat jumps on his little green cloud, punches the button, and heads out with a smile on his face and a song in his heart.

He's having a wonderful time in heaven, driving his little green cloud around. But on the third day, he's driving down Expressway H-1 with the harp playing full blast when, all of a sudden, a Jewish man in a pink and white two-tone cloud with tail fins roars past him. And in the back of this cloud is an organ which is playing all sorts of celestial music.

Pat makes a U-turn right in the middle of the Heaven Expressway and charges back to the Pearly Gates. He says, "St. Peter, my name is Pat, I'm a proud Irishman. I was born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marching' in the St. Patrick's Day parade. I come up here to heaven and I get this tiny, insignificant little green cloud and this little harp that plays only one song, 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.' But, there's a Jew over there. He's got a big, beautiful pink and white two-tone cloud and a huge organ that plays all kinds of celestial music and I, Pat the Irishman, want to know why!"

St. Peter stands up from his desk. He leans over and motions Pat the Irishman to come closer. Then he says: "Pat, shush! He's the Boss's Son!"

Received from Laugh-A-Lot! mailing list.

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From:

The Good, Clean Funnies List: Good, clean funnies five times a week,
FOR FREE!

For subscription and other information, go to the GCFL web page at
http://www.gcfl.net, or send email to info@gcfl.net.

Added March 29, 2001, February 21, 2002, August 14, 2005

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