Pet Rules


When I say to move, it means go some place else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs and DVD's are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years; canine and feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other animals' butts. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

To pacify you, I have posted the following message on our front door
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain about Our Pets:
They live here. You don't.
If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.
To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is
short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.


Dogs and cats are better than kids.

1. They eat less.
2. They don't ask for money all the time.
3. They are easier to train, usually come when called.
4. They never drive your car.
5. They don't hang out with drug-using friends.
6. They don't smoke or drink.
7. They don't worry about buying the latest fashions.
8. They don't wear your clothes.
9. They don't need a gazillion dollars for college.
10. If they get pregnant, you can sell the results (legally).

Thank you

Added March 6, 2004


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