Life in College

Fun Term Paper | College Students Write Bible | New School Term | Survive College

Fun things to do with a Term Paper

1. Type every word of your essay in a different font. Alternate really big fonts with really small fonts.
2. Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.
3. Write the entire assignment on Post-it notes; hand it in by sticking them all over the professor's door.
4. Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn''t. Discuss whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas.
5. Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain that it was to keep your dog from eating it.
6. If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that you can''t do the paper because you''re not sure if the class really exists, or if it and the professor are just illusions created by your subconscious. If you do end up writing the paper, write about whether or not the paper actually exists.
7. If assigned a 2000-word essay, draw two pictures of what the paper was supposed to be about. After all, a picture is worth 1000 words, right?
8. Cite issues of Spiderman and Batman as resources in your bibliography.
9. Hand in the essay by making paper airplanes out of the pages of the paper and attempting to fly them onto the professor''s desk.
10. The night before the paper is due, call the professor and explain that you can''t turn your paper in because it contains sensitive military information and is only available on a "need to know" basis. Insist that General Schwarzkopf says you should get an ''A''.
11. Write your history paper on parchment, using a quill. Say that you were trying to get the feel for the period.
12. Hand in a letter you wrote to your cousin. When the teacher confronts you about it, say that you must have gotten the letter and the paper mixed up. Say that you''ll turn the paper in as soon as you get it back, but your cousin lives in Siberia, so it might take a while. (This is a nifty way to get an extension.)
13. When writing an especially long paper, put a recipe for chocolate cake in the middle and see if the professor notices.
14. Tell the professor that you need an extension because one of your primary sources is an old wise man in Tibet and he won''t see you until the next full moon.
15. Paint a large white stripe down the front of your paper. Say that on the way to class, you dropped it in the street and it got run over by one of those trucks that paint lines on the road.
16. Make a footprint on the back of one of the pages. When questioned by the professor, act like it''s nothing unusual. After all, he did tell you to include footnotes.
17. Bring candles and incense to class. Before handing in the paper, perform an elaborate ceremony, entreating the gods to bless the paper and correct all your typos.
18. Make a tape of you singing the contents of your paper, opera-style, and hand that in.
19. Write your psychology essay on possible genetic anomalies that might cause a person to prefer anchovies.
20. TTyyppee eevveerryy lleetttteerr ttwwiiccee..
21. Get a large piece of paper or canvas. Smear paint all over it and hand it in as your paper. Explain that the topic was such an emotional one for you, and that mere words couldn''t possibly express what you had to say.
22. Refuse to do the paper on account of the fact that you are a member of Greenpeace and strongly object to the gratuitous slaughter of trees caused by the massive amount of paper used in writing assignments.
23. Put nonsense words down as quotes. Say that you are quoting the words of a well-known Zen master who was speaking in tongues at the time.
24. Use a forklift to bring your paper to class, even if it''s only a few pages. Explain that it involved some very heavy reading.
25. Poke several holes in the paper. Say that you were mobbed by crows on the way to class.
26. Print all the pages on one sheet of paper, with the text overlapping. Say that that was all the paper you had.
27. Make your assignment one long, neverending sentence that goes on for pages and pages and pages; use alot of semi-colons, commas, and other interesting, rarely-used punctuation marks [(for example), an interesting one: the colon_] but never ever end the sentence {[_-\|/??!]}.
28. On the day the paper is due, skip into class, waving your essay and screaming, "I have a paper! I have a paper!". Run around the class a few times, then joyfully throw it out the window. Laugh and yell, "There''s my paper!", then run outside to get it. Repeat this all through the period, or until the prof throws you out.
29. Come to class leading a horse or camel. When asked to turn in the paper, take it out of one of the saddlebags, then shoot the horse/camel/whatever away. Refuse to discuss it.
30. Draw obscure connections between totally unrelated things. For example, claim that abnormal amounts of neutrino activity in Germany caused Hitler to invade France, or that the Roman empire collapsed because of a shortage of qualified botanists.
31. Refer to all prominant historical figures by nicknames. For example, call George Washington "Georgie". Call Ben Franklin "Sparky".
32. Pwetend you have a speech impediment and awways type w''s whenevew you weawwy want to type r''s ow l''s. Ol, switch alound arr the l''s and r''s in youl papel, rike Monty Python did in Queen Erizabeth the Thild.
33. When your prof asks for an outline of your paper, draw the outline of the piece of paper you typed it on and hand it in.
34. Spill a martini on your sociology paper. Say that you wrote it in a bar so that you could see "sociology in action".


If College Students Had Written The Bible

The loaves and fishes would be replaced by pizza and chips.
The Ten Commandments are actually only five - but they are double-spaced and written in a large font, so they look like ten.
The Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn''t dorm food.
Paul''s letters to the Romans would become Paul''s e-mail to the Romans.
Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
The place where the end of the world occurs, not the Plains of Armageddon, rather finals.
ower of Babel blamed for foreign language requirement.
Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn''t want to ask directions and look like a freshman.
Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter and hoped no one noticed.


New School Term

The start of the new school term always brings out the most interesting questions for computer consultants on campus. The predominant questions this term pertain to "getting into" E-mail and how to access the " Information Highway."

An obviously distraught student came into the consulting office yesterday complaining that his E-mail wasn't working; his attempts to get tickets for an on-campus concert kept resulting in returned mail.

He showed me the mail address he was attempting to reach. I asked him where he obtained such an unusual mail address.

He replied, "The sign told me, 'begins@ 7:30 P.M.'"

Received from Jefferson Hatchett.

From: or write to



The Top 14 Tips for Surviving College

14. Minimize food budget by scheduling classes around Happy Hour.
13. Enjoy being a Sophomore -- It will be the best three years of your life.
12. Wear an athletic cup to panty raids, because it's all fun and games until someone loses their 'nads.
11. Lemon juice and baking soda make an excellent bong water stain remover.
10. Earn extra cash by parlaying chemistry knowledge into lucrative "home pharmaceuticals" business.
9. If an 8:00 am class is required for your major, change your major.
8. Boring lecture? Start a wave!
7. College-level algebra: 5 returnable bottles = 1 delicious Ramen Noodle dinner.
6. "I Phelta Thi" is *not* a real fraternity, except at state colleges.
5. Remember - almost no one complains when you puke in a dumpster.
4. Clever margin manipulation can turn a 4-page outline into a 100-page senior essay.
3. Football games were never meant to be observed by sober people.
2. Don''t think of it as sleeping with your professor -- think of it as "acing Biology."
1. In a pinch, milk can be used as a beer substitute in your breakfast cereal.

Added August 14, 2005, more additions on January 1, 2009

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